I haven’t been able to write something worth writing in so long. I would often try to start a post to express, to explain, to just let go of what I’m going through, but I would stare at the cursor blinking on my screen and no words come out.
I find that I cannot fake it. I never was able to. I cannot write and impress and show that I’m okay when I’m really not. And this time around, even when I wanted to be honest and vulnerable, I didn’t have it in me to write down a confession and free myself of the burden of contending with this alone.
I was simply too broken to write about my brokenness.
Numb to the point of emptiness.
I turned my back on Him and embraced the world I left behind. And I clung tightly. Clung so tight, it hurt when He began to allure me, to gently pry me away, to whisper into my ear, “You are Mine.”
For all my declarations that I am His and that I am laying down my all, I found that there were still some deep dark crevices of my heart that haven’t been brought to His piercing light. And now that He is bringing me, coaxing me, wooing me to lay those areas of my life down at His feet in full surrender and sweet abandon, I find myself terrified.
What if You’re not worth it? What if pain and brokenness is all there is? What if knowing You has no bliss? Just suffering?
I could almost sense the teasing smile on His face as He gently says, “What a fool you are, My child.”
Because even as I ask the questions, I am reminded of what it is like to be in His presence. Just Him and me. And there is no bliss, no satisfaction, comparable to what it’s like to know that I stand before a Holy God, made pure by grace, basking in His heavenly Light.
I have been in my self-consumed bubble, decrying the unfairness of life, dabbling in my pathetic human weakness, trying to resist He Who is irresistible. And all that time, I’m just dying to pop that bubble and accept that life was never meant to be fair and that I was meant to be weak in order for Him to be the Strength in me.
In the end, I had to return to Him. Because even if following Him is devoid of bliss and is ridden with nothing but pain, brokenness and suffering, there is no question in my mind that He is definitely worth it. And so much more.
The applause of man faded away… There was just me and Him. I came before Him completely wrecked, expecting His disgust. And all I found was Love, clasping His hands together with delight, exclaiming, “I’ve been wooing you, Joanna. I’m glad you’ve returned.”