If you’ve already read part 1 of this story, then you know that I was in a bad state. I was longing. I was broken. I was insecure. I had a bunch of self-esteem issues that needed to get dealt with, and I had no idea how to deal with them. I was trying to swallow down my own desires and pretend that I didn’t have them. I was under the impression that to talk about my longings was shameful. I mean, come on… how desperate. That’s not me.
Well, truth? That was me.
I was desperate for my love story to unfold, so it’s kind of like setting myself up for a trap. I was vulnerable. The walls I built around myself all these years just kind of crumbled, and I had no idea how to guard my heart.
The So-Called Promises
I thought God was speaking to me. I thought I was hearing from Him. I had all these visions, all these impressions, all these words… I was holding on to them for dear life. During the last National Prayer Gathering, I was torn apart when on the first day, the one thing that really stood out to me was when the speaker said, “You think you’ve been hearing from the Lord, but you haven’t. It’s just soulishness.”
I went from broken to shattered. It felt like I had absolutely nothing to hold on to other than this fleeting thread of faith that God loved me and that He would make everything work out for my good.
I knew that some of the words I heard were genuinely from God, but I was too shattered, too confused to try and figure out what was coming from Him and what wasn’t. At that point, all I knew to do was to surrender, because I was too exhausted to put up a defense, too exhausted to even complain.
Maybe you’ve been there before. It’s that point where there’s nothing to do but say, “Lord, have Your way.”
Then Came a Guy We Shall Call by the Name “Z”
I honestly thought Z was “the one”.
Out of the deep respect and high regard I have for this brother, I can’t really give you the exact details behind why I came to that conclusion. Let’s just call it serendipity that made me (and others who heard the story) swoon, and let’s leave it at that. The bottom line? I fell for him and I fell fast… and hard.
Z was the proverbial carrot that God had to dangle in front of me in order to get me from then to now. I couldn’t understand at first why I had to go through the experience, but I know now that God saw it as necessary and that He truly used it for me to learn A LOT about Him and about myself along the way.
You see… the thing is… the moment I started seriously considering Z as “the one,” I only felt one thing: unworthy. He seemed perfect, while there I was… after all these years, still trying to find security in God and who I was before Him.
It was like coming face to face with every delusion I had about myself. I thought I was strong. I realized I wasn’t. I thought I had it all together. Gah! Delusional indeed. I thought I was whole. I realized I was broken. I thought I deserved His favor. I realized I was living by grace.
As I came in terms with my own sinful brokenness, I realized that I didn’t need to strive to become worthy of Z, or of any other man out there. I did, however, discover the urge to live a life worthy of God’s call. God used this situation – one I have shed tears for many times over – to bring me into His completeness.
Through this experience, I lived out what it meant for Him to be Strength in my weakness. He had been and will always be good to this lowly sinner, whose sense of entitlement just came crumbling down.
I’ll See the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living
Sometimes, it’s difficult to see His goodness amidst situations we don’t fully understand. It’s not always easy to believe in His love when things don’t work out the way we hope it would, but amazingly, the whole process I went through nudged me forward – a little closer to the me He always meant to be – a little closer to Christlikeness, a little more in love with Him than I used to be.
I can honestly say that I like who I am now compared to who I was when all this drama started. I can honestly say that at this very moment, my satisfaction lies in Him, and maybe I’ll falter in my faith at some point – hopefully not – maybe I’ll still stumble, but I’m not scared anymore, because through this process, I learned to bounce back after a fall. I’ve learned how to get out of the miry rut of my own emotional soulishness.
I know where my security lies. I know Who my Firm Foundation is, and for crying out loud, it’s true. He is More than Enough.
You are my Supply, my Breath of Life, still more awesome than I know. You are my Reward, worth living for, still more awesome than I know. ~ More Than Enough, BarlowGirl