I hated her. With a vengeance. My literary brain already made her the villain of countless imagined stories. She’d already been turned into a zombie that just wouldn’t die no matter how many times I went Michonne on her and swung at her with a badass katana. She was the wicked witch, the slithering serpent, the irredeemable Maleficent. The soulless sorceress in the blundering fairy tale of my life.

    Yes. She’s an actual person.

    But she is nowhere near the notoriety I connected her with. She didn’t deserve to be considered my ultimate nemesis. She was just another broken person, who used her brokenness as a sword to inflict her wounds on others. On me. She was undeserving of my wrath. She was just as I was.

    broken and in need of mercy

    Still, having that knowledge in my head didn’t make it easy to see her as a broken person whom I could relate to. I was hurting too much from wounds she inflicted on me – some valid, some perceived. If there’s one thing I learned from my experience with she-who-shall-not-be-named, it is this:

    i am fallen

    I am capable of such hatred towards a person. Of so much bitterness. So much resentment. I wanted to think of myself as someone who is essentially good, someone who is capable of taking the higher road. I realized – through her – that I wasn’t as good as I hoped I was. Her cutting words mirrored who I was. I hated her, because she showed me things I hated about myself. She made me self-aware.

    But in a strange way, she also showed me the road to my destiny. How?

    she made me focus on the stars

    One of my favorite songs in the world is Tenth Avenue North’s Stars in the Night. Their lead singer, Mike Donehey, created a video journal talking about the song:

    He talks about the “midnight of the soul” – reminding us that “we’re still in this world, trembling at the wake of the fall”. Her actions pushed me toward the midnight of my soul – a time when I found myself in the pit of despair, asking God – as Job did – why I was even born.

    She triggered my transition from a servant of God to a daughter of God. It was through her that I found out that God would always be with me, no matter what. She undid the shackles that kept me chained down by the fear of man. I am where I am – on a road to freedom – because of her. And I know now what Joseph felt when he looked at the brothers who sold him to slavery and told them that God was behind all of it, and that God meant it for good.

    God has a way of turning things around. He is capable of making beautiful what is broken. I have to be honest that I am still in a place of brokenness, but I’m okay with that. I’ve made my peace with that person, and I’ve made my peace with my brokenness.

    Why?

    Because God can make the broken – me and her – beautiful.

    Photo Credit: fresh by y-u-k-i-k-o

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    Joanna Alonzo

    Author/Founder at Almond Tree Publications
    Joanna Alonzo is a walking paradox. She is a beautiful, albeit messy, mixture of thought and emotion, expressed in the form of hopefully readable – and relatable – stories. She is a kingdom kid, who looks forward to being a writer and storyteller even when she reaches heaven. She is passionate about the unreached, about those who have yet to know the Love she found in the arms of the Almighty. She is intrigued by the world and its people, who day by day, continue to convince her that God is the greatest Storyteller of all.
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7 Comments on "The Broken Beautiful"

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magpie14031983
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T_T that was beautiful ‘Vane! I had a friend who used to keep telling me to stop trying to “fix” her, when she turned around and broke my heart I hit her where it hurts by telling her she was “more fun to play with broken”… Yes I AM that much of a Bitch! But I only said it because I knew that would hurt her as much as she had hurt me and I’m like a wounded wild animal, I strike out first and ask questions later…

You words make me realise that what I said was actually true, broken people are more fun, perfection and completion would lead to a very uneventful world… And you’re right, broken can be beautiful! Its all about how you act and react in relation to the trials and joys that the Universe gifts you with!

I’m glad you learnt a very hard-won lesson and I’m sure one day I’ll be advanced enough to learn from those experiences too, although right now I’m not that evolved!

As always, your words move me and make me wish I was a better person so I could truly be worthy of a friend such as yourself (pity part table for 1!)

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