Ano bang nasa isip ko ngayon?
Iniisip ko ‘yung Life Ko ‘To concert noong Saturday. After all the overnights, the issues, the tears, the prayers… after the great display of God’s amazing grace, what’s next?
Sabi ni Tita Alice the concert was just a warm-up for what’s to come.
Anticipation. Excitement. And for some reason, a tinge of hesitation… perhaps even fear.
I’ve asked Him what I haven’t given. Had I not – at this point – already given my all?
I know what it is that I haven’t given. It is my time. Precious moments that should’ve been spent with Him stolen by my weaknesses, my desires, my fleeting moments of insanity.
I want to stop thinking, stop analyzing, stop depending on myself. I haven’t learned yet. I want to. The choice is mine really… I should start applying what I’ve learned.
In the blessing that he released toward me during my Bat Barakah ceremony, my father said these words: “The thief tried to stop you, even before you were conceived. He tried to destroy you in your mother’s womb and even at birth. You have survived, triumphed. You are an overcomer.”
Ate Aires texted me one particular night to encourage me after she saw a rather drastic shift of moods on one of our YC meetings. She said that I was a fighter and that I could overcome.
In the dinner with Ate Aires and Ate Jo-ann after the Saturday concert, I couldn’t help but express the pain I was feeling.
“Para kang sumasabak sa giyera ng walang armas, walang training. In the end, God’s grace will save you. Dahil sa Kanya, panalo ka. Pero sugatan ka pa rin, masakit pa din.”
PARANOIA Alert! I couldn’t help but feel that they’re all just testing me. Like I’m undergoing some huge test, a super initiation rite. Ugh. The delusions of my paranoid mind…
Meron talagang times na nagmumukha akong shunga… kasi whenever I think about everything that’s happened to me over the past few weeks, bigla na lang ako magsasabing (out loud) “Waaaaaa… Ayoko na… Ang sakit sakit.” At pagtitinginan ako noong mga tao sa paligid ko kasi wala naman ako kausap. Pero actually, kausap ko si Lord. And after I say that, lagi ko naman binabawi.
“Pero sige lang, Lord. Hiningi ko naman ‘to eh. Anything to make me completely Yours.”
The last time thoughts of suicide has entered my mind (until now) was in high school. It went even as far as me attempting to slash my wrists until my dad broke down the door and stormed inside the bathroom to stop me.
Bumabalik yung thoughts na yun. The only difference being that I’m no longer entertaining them. I’m fighting them.